How to Stop Seeking Outside Validation

Transforming External Validation into Internal Drive: The Key to Sustained Personal Growth

The idea of achieving success through external validation, such as becoming rich and then losing everything only to become even richer, is a common narrative in the motivational industry. However, it's important to question the effectiveness and sustainability of this type of thinking.

As a marketer and motivational speaker, my aim is not to discredit the value of motivational speeches, products, and services. Instead, I want to raise awareness of the importance of developing an internal sense of motivation and self-worth. Without turning external validation into an internal drive, one may become vulnerable when external motivators are no longer available.

In this post, we will delve deeper into the multifaceted nature of life and explore the true solutions for personal growth, inner validation, self-acceptance, and confidence building, through authenticity, mindfulness, positive self-talk, and emotional independence.

What is outside validation?

Sometimes, it's hard to know what to do without getting confirmation from others. It's like asking for permission before making a move. But, when we rely too much on external validation, we may lose touch with our own inner guidance.

Think about what is called 'helicopter parenting.' This happens when a child is never given the chance to make their own decisions. Even though parents have a lot of responsibilities, being a parent doesn't automatically mean being emotionally and mentally mature.

Making our own decisions is a natural part of growing up. We learn by trying things out and seeing what happens. If we make a mistake, we can adjust next time.

When we constantly look for validation from others, we might ask ourselves "Will this please them?" instead of trusting our own judgement. And we might accept their opinion without thinking for ourselves. This constant need for validation can make us insecure and vulnerable. This can show up in many different ways.

Narcissism vs insecurity

It's important to remember that the term "narcissistic" refers to a mental disorder, and should be used with care. Lately, I've seen more and more articles where people use terms related to mental disorders without proper understanding. Just because someone is less assertive, it doesn't mean they are narcissistic and need constant attention.

I understand that it can be challenging when you feel like you can't get along with a partner, co-worker, or family member because they seem narcissistic. But it's important to know that being narcissistic and being insecure are not the same thing, they may seem similar, but they have different causes.

It's also important to note that just because someone seems confident in every situation, it doesn't mean they are necessarily narcissistic. Narcissistic disorder has many symptoms and different levels, it's important to be aware of that.

Why might you need outside validation?

As I have previously mentioned, understanding the reasons behind seeking validation can be a complex task. Each person's reasons for seeking validation may be unique and personal. Building self-confidence is an important part of personal development and is essential for dealing with external validation.

It's important to remember that external feedback has its place and can be beneficial in our interactions with others. Feedback can help us feel better and improve. However, it's also essential to remember that everything we need to feel good is already within us. While it's okay to listen to feedback from others, it's crucial to rely on our own inner guidance.

It's also important to note that feedback is different from validation, feedback can be a valuable tool when it comes to cooperation but validation is more about self-worth.

Why are outside validation techniques so successful?

Like it or not, the vast majority of people, given a choice, take the easy way out. The human version simply seeks to get things done with as little effort and investment as possible. And the saying is true: "if it isn't your shirt, don't wear it", and I've always liked the addition "if it's your shirt, get dressed quickly".

Many of the affirmation techniques exploded into the Western - New Age - approach from the late 1970s onwards with great success. It has been studied with great enthusiasm ever since. One of the pioneers of this research was Claude Steele (source: Wikipedia). As is usually the case, knowledge with a basic scientific background has been 'ridden' by many since. However, philosophies with thousands of years of tradition, which use a phrase and its associated vibrations to develop and strengthen an emotion or ability, should not be ignored.

So there is a historical, religious, philosophical and scientific background to this tool. It is also likely that the experiences recorded by the sources may have contributed to the fact that to this day you can find someone around you who either reads a little note stuck to their mirror every time they comb their hair or mumbles 'positive affirmations' to themselves.

Why don't outside validation techniques work for everyone?

In my experience, our thoughts, feelings, habits and beliefs are formed for a reason. For some reason, we consider them important and use them accordingly.

Let me give you an example: let's call our heroine Jane. From an early age, Jane was told by her parents, " You can only rely on yourself!" And this was probably shared with her by her parents with the greatest wisdom, or lack of it. Jane, most likely, uses it to be assertive, balanced and confident. And more importantly, she has probably never asked for any outside help before! Jane, on the other hand, finds herself in a new environment where she has to work with her colleagues. However, because Jane has a very strong program/belief that "you can only rely on yourself", her actions are directed in this direction. She wants to do everything on her own, as she has always done. She wants to excel at everything, as has been expected of her. However, in the eyes of her colleagues, she does not seem to be a "team player" at all and therefore tends to be shunned. Jane feels increasingly lonely. Every day is a bigger challenge for her to go to work. And that's when her manager remembers that there's this affirmation technique, so he suggests Jane look into it. Jane gets a boost because her job is already in jeopardy. She creates an affirmation for herself, "I am cooperative." She places little yellow sticky notes in strategic places like the bathroom mirror, then reads the affirmation out loud whenever she has business in the bathroom. Then the self-defence mechanism kicks in and her mind comes into play. It starts to analyse. Wait a minute, "I can only count on myself". Then "cooperation" means on the one hand that it's a danger, so all previous experiences of being in danger must be listed. All to be safe. Let's show Jane what's important!

Jane, therefore, after a boom, feels even more deeply that something is wrong. Her perception is more focused on what others are doing wrong. Where she might be at risk (all will be) and where there is potential for harm. And then on how to avoid it, he has the image of "you can only trust yourself!" And again I am right! Everyone just wants to mess with me! etc. etc.

Our beliefs are created to keep us "safe". In the environment we grow up in, with the "wisdom" we encounter, we learn. Because our beliefs have no premonitions, we live life in a wide variety of situations. Until we uncover the background of our beliefs or develop stronger ones, we want to return to the original state.

How can this situation be changed?

As I said, our beliefs are for us. And with force, we will be met with resistance. "Newton's 3rd law: when two bodies interact, each body exerts a force on the other, these forces are equal in magnitude and opposite in direction. The two forces are called force and reaction. Newton's 3rd law is also known as the law of force and reaction, and the law of action and reaction."

Our beliefs affect all areas of life. If you set yourself the expectation that you must change everything and immediately, your mind will most likely be like an airplane caught in constant turbulence. Constantly moving everything you ask for. This, in turn, is exhausting.

Change takes time and also feelings and virtues like calmness, compassion, clarity and kindness with a good deal of perseverance thrown in.

But it all starts with being compassionately honest with yourself. Without labels or judgments, you explore where you are now. Then you start working on what you want to achieve. And the next steps might be to ask yourself, what is holding me back from achieving this?